Shooting the breeze with people you’ve just met, or even known for a while, the topic of travel comes up at times.

Nine times out of ten, people will start behaving as if they’ve just come out of a naked run through a cocoa plantation.

“Ooooh I LOOOOOOOVE to travel!”, “I SWEAR if I could, I’d quit my job and travel around the world.” and about 15 minutes into the seizure, they’ll look at me and go, “Sooo what’s YOUR favorite destination?


LOL. No really, which is your favorite country?

Not one. Shit bitch, I don’t even like the one I’m living in. Never traveled. Don’t like doing it.

“*Mouth agape* Reeeallly? You don’t like traveling?

Nope. Not a bit.

But why?

O-KAY. Here goes.

Traveling economy sucks. You’re stuck in coffin space for extended hours. God forbid you get stuck in the middle seat / next to a noxious child or an obese person.

With my luck, it’ll be one on each side.

Travel to first world countries is a no-no. Imagine going to the US, and seeing how clean the place is, how people obey traffic rules and a Ducati costs what a motorcycle should.

Then you come back here. Your cab picks you up, it drives a short distance, the driver opens the door and spews out a long thick stream of pan-masala-saliva-slush. Half on the road and half on the unfortunate five-passenger motorcycle tailing you.

The Ducati, you know costs about double of what a motorcycle should, and then you get a stream of pan-masala-saliva-slush on your Alpinestars shoe. Which cost you double too!

Why would I drink a Yamazaki Reserve if i have to revert to partially methylated hooch?

It’ll just make the latter seem that much worse.

My mattress, my pillow and my shitter. Honestly, it takes about at least a couple of days to adjust to a new shitter in most cases. The ergonomics of a strange one will NEVER suffice. Till then you move about the city attractions with half your attention being commanded by your tantrum throwing bowel. What joy is THAT?

Also, what is UP with hotel beds with either the structural support of a marsh, or the softness of them made of Lego blocks?

So goes for the pillow. All soft and inviting till you figure that your head displaced all the filling to either side. Alternatively, hard enough to inscribe your ordeal upon.

The sheer exhaustion. Travel by itself is exhausting. Waking up at ungodly hours to get the best priced flights / international ones / make the most out of check-in times.

And then there’s moving about and around to explore the place you’re visiting. By the end of it all, you’ve walked about a million steps. Half of them constipated and sleep deprived.

You come back exhausted and worn out, needing about a week to recover from your vacation.

Honestly, spending your money to punish yourself physically is about as masochistic as it gets. The only other way to achieve that is going to a gym. But then at least you come out looking better.

Shopping for gifts. There was a time when buying chocolates en-masse from duty free shops on your way back cracked it.

Fuck Modern Bazaar and democratization of Khan Market for screwing that gig!

Now you’ve got to buy real gifts. As is the currency is performing like a special needs child thrown into an academy for the prodigiously gifted. Top that with the prices of everything being splashed on the internet like someone filed a fucking RTI. Be judged, you will.

So spend, you will.

What am I made of? Platinum nuggets?

The food. I am a vegetarian (mostly) and even when I do chomp into flesh, it’s flavor is disguised by tikka masala. Call me a village bumpkin, but the odor of raw meat or strong cheese makes me gag.

If I have to spend a week or so surviving on McDonald’s fries, I’d rather stay planted where I am. My supposed travel constipation does NOT need a stomach full of starch.

The money. Critical you know? I have a home loan to service, a retirement fund to build and an overpriced Ducati to buy.

My parents, very unfortunately did not build a house for me to effectively save on rent. Also, my career has been exemplary for my relatives’ kids.

As a case study of what not to do.

An unmitigated disaster.

So, as an off-and-on part of the workforce. Prudence overrules social pressure, and my interaction with travel sites is equivalent to that Saudi Arabia’s with gender equality.

Thereby. The only flights I’ll be taking anytime soon will be those of fantasy.

Thank you BBC Travel!