One of the benefits of being employed is being able to use your items of clothing in an optimal fashion.

There’s stuff you wear to bed, distinct from stuff you wear to work. (Unless you work in an advertising agency. Or are a lower rung employee in a hotel. But that’s another story.)

So yeah. There is rotation of garment types. You gotta take those jammies off in the morning, or basis whatever shift hour your masters in the US decided.

Having no job puts you in a spot. You don’t know when its time to shed your comfy second skin to slip into something more suited for the day.

Honestly, it’s a very slippery slope. What stops one from slipping out of doughnut print pyjamas and then straight into the unicorn ones?

It’s like a bald man with a bottle of face wash. The rules have ceased to exist. Anarchy rules.

The Pyjama Protocol

Anyone who knows me would attest to my keen sense of empathy and my selfless love for the human kind.

So it was but obvious that such a thorn in the existence of human kind would catch my eye, and I’d throw myself into solving the problem with wild abandon.

Needless to say, pyjamas were taken off.

They were taken off at all hours of the day. A journal was maintained to log in psychological ramifications for the residual part of the day. Factors like fabric longevity, frictional suitability and overall reactions of Amazon delivery boys were taken into consideration.

Proud to present my findings!

Pyjamas aren’t worn equal.

If you have been in a sexy mood and decided to slip into a pair of satin pyjamas, they are best removed once your interaction (with self or other) is over.

Satin is Satan’s fabric.

It rides up when it can. You will find it creeping into areas that aren’t supposed to be crept into.

Unless you’ve willingly created such a two-way thoroughfare.

Then there are climatic considerations. Summers will see you explore your adhesive being, while winters will generate enough static for you to electrocute your cat.

So satin is for seeing. Cotton for wearing.

You’re welcome.

Pjyamas will control your mind.

This one was the hardest to figure. Wear your jammies too long into waking up and you’ll find yourself sipping your single malt with Rudolph print all over your legs.

That didn’t read right. Right?

Regardless. Point being, pyjamas are lethal with mind control through comfort.

We all know that the human body was designed to rest. All that “we were meant to use it” bit is nonsense.

If it were true, wouldn’t movement, and not rest be our natural state of being? We all know that given the chance, our bodies will refuse to budge.

The preferred state of being being an input-output device for food and its remnants.

Anyhow. Pyjamas were designed to support (through lack of support) our natural state of being. And they will propagate that mechanism with ruthless efficiency.

So take them off the moment you feel like being productive.

Even that didn’t read completely right. Right?

Pyjamas dictate your Amazon experience.

Not kidding.

I am very fond of my worn out stuff. Takes the shape of my perfectly sculpted body and what not.

However the Amazon delivery boys don’t look very kindly upon such life choices.

My name will get cross checked thrice. My govt issued ID might see light of day. The guy will see my picture and laugh internally. You can tell.

Bugger looks like a mop in his own, but won’t stop that mental smirk.

I will have to sign that grubby smartphone screen, that’s been residing in the swampy front pocket of a motorcycle rider.

Different story with the sharper jammies.

Respect is evident. You can tell the guy’s thinking “Sir chutti pe honge aaj”. You will get a Good Morning / Afternoon. Smiles will be exchanged.

A bright & pleasant glow of successful commerce will shine on your interaction.

You will gain the respect of the only fleeting pseudo-employee you had.

Pyjamas are great for broke level unemployment.

I might not have a job, but thanks to advances in telecommunications and the internet, I still scrape together measly sums every now and then. For now.

However in the scenario that I were broke as Air India, jammies would be my battle armour.

Why? Simple. Jammies are anti-activity. Activity usually results in money being spent. Money that your broke ass doesn’t have.

Wear jammies, and instant savings!

So if you ever find yourself minus gainful employment, go online and buy a couple of pairs of jams. They’ll buy you another few weeks of updating your resume on naukri.

I bought an entire section.